i am who I AM

i am who I AM

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

family gather and the feelings *bunsit

well yeah. i know this story kindda boring but this is what i did today. im sorry, i didnt take any picture. my younger sister only snap 2 my pic and i didnt get it yet. hmm, i will tell you my condition now. im wearing Sukma official thirt with my green underwear, wearing black rantai , and dizzy head ! gosh im dying today.

i didnt feel the same feeling i got from the last few years. maybe because of my DEARmum didnt join us. yeahh ! the games that had been ready for us in no more fun...! this aint the same feeling. im so upset with this. i thought it will be good time with them. but its not ! uhhhh. last few years, when my mum joined the Angampun family was the greatest moment i only have. where we can gather all together with all my cousins, went to raya open house together, do some fun games including child and adult or married. when theres no war between us. when we were all happy gathering. the moment where all ive been waiting in a year is HARIRAYA. and i can meet with my closest cousins Aloha Dee-Afryna(kiko), Afniewatie(kuja), Herdawaty(nonong), Afif Fikree (boboy), altriekariste(anyong), altrimaystie(teng) and etc... yeahh ! they were the super VVIP closest to me. which is now, THEY DONT !.. yeahh. time changes all of them. some of it are not but over 70% they were. there is the time where my mum with kiko's mum Aunty Judy was laughing out loud. my lil bro play up with others. dads chit-chat outside. now, there wont be anymore. they were all grewing up and the things was changed. there my several aunt that act like they knew all the things messed-up the fun games. they being sok-tau-deh *indonstyle) on the games that had been decided. they changed the rules. which is i felt it become no more fun because there wont be any chalanges. freaking-ssss ! im totally being such a bad niece. and some of my married cousins become more serious which i felt arkward =,=''! this lead to be my second problems with them. i not felt this before. and they keeping asking why im not here and there when i didnt come to their programme. and keep asking to force me why ive been hiding from them. and IDC !

im spm candidates for this year 2012. and i allready made my decision how to make myself keep on constant health lungs and heart. but theres some unfinished problems that made me felt unright.

my mum had a fight with my dads family. how teribble isnt it..? be the first daughter. and be in between of them. i felt the pressure. until some of the night, i cry because of it. how can i handle this things in my ages..? there so many good moment we can felt together as a family if we tolerate and be humble. no over-racting, no jelousy,no backstabber,no show-off. we will be a better person in the family, right ? am i right..? am i wrong for saying all of this, Allah ? am i? AM I ?

it hurt me the most. dear dad, i dont want to have a fight with you every second in every time we talk. i hate to raise my mouth volume when i reply what your saying. i hate it. i wish you could be tolerate as many daddy in this world. i dont like you an myself. im stressted because of u. i know i can handle this. i can act on everyone eyes that i like to be with you. but my feelings totally different ! u screwed me. from the day i was born, did you sit by mums side and waiting for me..? or u regreting to have me. i know im not clever as i can be a doctor. and u always comparing me with others. why can u accept me as i am. dad, do u know how many dads out there need a baby ? but i saw u, dad. i saw u tends to like the 2nd and 3rd of yours child more than me. i knew i has no ability to say u like this. i knew that i should thank to you. but why cant u treat me like other dads treating their child. i still respect u now. i still love u now. but when will this things end..? when will u start to treat me nicely? when will u hear my deepest voice..? why u behave like selfish. IT HURT ME THE MOST. DAD, why u not defending mum..? why u let her upset..? u was her husband, u should protect her. give her safety. i know mum was strong that u cant fight. but i dont like my life gone this way. Im 17 and matured enough to say this. Allah, please make my dad the almost perfect dad for us. u acted annoyed to us, to all of your family. your money cant buy our feelings. even u give us all your money bank. its been 17years dad. why cant u realised ? what makes u behave like this..? i was too unhappy to feel this way about u,dad. Dad, i cant do anything unless pray for u. i felt wrong to say u like this.u keep acting cool but tu are'nt. long ago, u hit me with your belt. i still remember. i'll never forgot the moment when the belt hit on both of my legs. maybe it was for my experieanced but u made me phobia. i hate that i said i hate u. Sorry, i did make it. sorry i didnt be a good person and  meaningful daughter to u. i felt guilty for this. i hope u understand what im feeling now IF U SAW THIS. i could be speechles. LOVE dad.

am i being to emotional this time ? i think so. well this is what i felt on my life. it bother me a lot. thats why i try to spend my time on outdoors activities. i love to do it. this problems made me to be a strong person on my ages. i be the home-hater by all this time. i spend my time with friends and myself more than my family. i knew this is wrong. but i cant do anyting to make myself relieved and recover completely from this. or else, i may suicide myself because of my own family. ive been given the wrong definition of family in this whole entire of my life. and i wish to re-definition it.

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